Coffee Bawl: suppressed thoughts

I think I’ve lost my writing spirit. And I do not know when I’ll be back blogging again. Even my other blog hasn’t seen an update in weeks! Perhaps I just can’t construct “cohesive sentences” at the moment.

I still can’t believe that it’s already 2007. My Boracay memories of Christmas last year (2005) are still fresh in my mind; when we celebrated New Year in a Chinese temple doing Chinese rituals; when I started the year (2006) with high hopes that things will go my way.

We started our year last year visiting a church in Batangas where we prayed for guidance for the New Year (’06). And as a superstition states, you get to have three wishes when you visit a church you haven’t been to, and one of those three will come true. And believe it or not, my wishes weren’t selfish. I wished for peace, well, peace in general; I wished that our family will still be complete for a long period of time, and that things would go smoothly. But as the days of 2006 went by, I then woke up to reality. I wasn’t in fairytale land that everything begins in “Once upon a time” and ends in “happily ever after”. 2006 was a tough year for me. But I’ve never regretted a single second of it.

Yes, of course I didn’t forget to wish that I see “princesa” that year. That “princesa”-wish was always a part of my wishes every time I visit a different church. But I had no luck in finding “princesa” in ’06.

I learned a lot in ’06. I’m not the guy I used to be 12 months ago. I’m not that fickle-minded kid I was three, four years ago. ’06 made me what I am right now. ’06 made me stronger, and made me a better person inside out.

Shits in ’06 were a lot tougher and complicated than my 2000-2005 shits all summed up. There were times that I thought that I was immune from the pain. There were times that I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, and there were times that I thought of giving up the fight. But God is good, and He was always by my side, even though I sometimes forget about Him. He was there guiding me all throughout; He never let me down.

Reminiscing is one of my pass-times. I reflect about things that happen to me. Then I get to realize how I conquered shit that went my way. I saw that even though shit struck me several times, I won’t make the same mistake twice. I also realized that despite the fact that the odds are against me at that time, I am still lucky and I should still be grateful for a lot of things: my family, our safety, our finances and other material things, friends that surround me. Life is about perspective – paradigms. It’s a matter of how you see things, and how you handle shit. There are things that happen that you cannot really control; what you could do is to make the best out of the given situation.

At the end of ’06, I then went into conclusion that, “this isn’t the year for ‘princesa’. This year prepared me for the upcoming year (2007), the year when I will meet ‘princesa’.” Yes, my hopes are high, fingers-crossed, prayers aloud; for I know that in this year, I’ll get to find ‘princesa’. Now I know that I’m ready. Now I can really say that indeed, I can already move on.

I’m really looking forward for what’s in store for me this year. And I know that God had already drawn His plans for me this year. I’ll let fate do its thing, and God do His magic. This year will be a magical year for me. The year when I’ll get a job (I think), and the year that I’ll meet ‘princesa’ =)

 
            After I get my course cards next week, I’ll officially be a part of the “unemployed” bracket here in the Philippines. At 19 years of age, I then can say, “I am now officially a college graduate.”

 
            Graduation (the walk) will be sometime next year; I’m not yet really sure when (waitta’go kid!). What’s next for this kid, who grew up with everything that he ever needed was right within his reach? Will I find a job? So does that mean I’ll have a boss of my own? Which then sums up to work loads?

 
            I’ve never worked for money my entire life. I was lucky that we had the means to live a convenient life. That’s why I think I don’t really value and appreciate material things that I have. In my On the Job Training, technically, I had to work for money. It was part of the package; it was part of the deal. I wasn’t paid much. It was more of an allowance kind of pay. But I can say that “money earned is sweeter than money that is given to you”. That couple of hundred Pesos really meant something to me. And as I told my mom, I already have a disposable income, even though I technically do not even have an income yet.

 
            I’m not pressured or anything. It’s just that, of course, my parents would want me helping them school my little sister and help them financially in family expenses. And if ever I screw up, hey, I still have a lot to learn about; and at least, I’m not going to waste that much time for I’m not even in my twenties yet!

 
            What bothers me is that, what will I be after college? What are the things that interest me? What do I love doing? What is my passion? There was a time that I wanted to be a Chef. I wanted to study culinary. I love food. I like cooking. But then, I realized that this wasn’t my passion, I was just fond of it. It could be like a special interest of some sort. But I don’t see my future in that industry.

 
            I also wanted to be an actor. Inspired by Matt LeBlanc (Joey Tribbiani in the sitcom FRIENDS). But I didn’t bother taking acting lessons of even joining theater clubs. I wanted to be a news reporter; a news anchor. I wanted to be a journalist; I just don’t think that I can take the pressure of the said profession.

 
            I want to be a writer. I know, I know, I’m still not that good in constructing cohesive sentences and putting my thoughts into words. I don’t even have a deep vocabulary. But I want to write; that’s why I gave blogging a try. I want to author my own book in the future; a book about life.

 
            Familiar with the movie ‘Hitch’ starring Will Smith and Eva Mendez? Yes, I want to be like Hitch, a love-doctor kind of guy. But not in that kind of fashion, well, not really. I want to write a book about love. I know I’m getting too cheesy, but I just want to release shit. I want to impart to other people my experiences and how I handled shit of my own. I want them to realize things at an early stage and not commit the mistakes and the stupidities that I did. I can say that I’ve been through a lot considering my young age. I don’t want people committing suicide because of heart problems. I don’t want people’s lives destroyed because of severe depression relating to love. I want to reach out. I want to help. This is one of the items in my “to do list before I die”.

 
            Going back about working, in what industries am I interested in? In what departments? What I know is that, I want a people-related work. I mean, I want lots of interaction and people relations. I’m a “people-guy”; ‘sociable’ if you may. So if ever I’ll be looking for a job, I would want a job wherein I get to mingle with different people. Or am I just saying that because I’m desperately wanting to get out of the environment that I’m in, break-free, and with high hopes and fingers-crossed, eventually find my princess?

 
            Ah, princesa, where art thou? I know I’m just saying this because I want a new environment to move around… A new environment where I’ll find princesa.